Today’s post is brought to you by whatever the fuck was on Jena Malone’s head in Sucker Punch

Say what you will about the recently released Sucker Punch. From what I understand,
the folks that liked it are raving about it, whereas, the folks that didn’t like it ended up
walking out a quarter of the way through. Personally, I thought it had all the elements
that should make the standard gay geek jizz his American Apparel briefs (Zack Snyder
visuals, hos with big guns, and a soundtrack that included a remix of Bjork’s “Army
of Me” as well as covers of The Smiths’ “Asleep”, Pixies’ “Where Is My Mind?”, and
Eurythmics’ “Sweet Dreams [Are Made of This]).

In a nutshell, Sucker Punch follows a young girl, nicknamed Baby Doll
(Emily Browning) as she is whisked away to an insane asylum, circa the 1950s, by her stepfather (who probably not-so-coincidentally looks like one of the pedos from Dateline: To Catch a
Predator) after he frames her for the murder of her sister. As the day of Baby Doll’s
lobotomy approaches, we start to question what is real and what is a fantasy and what is
just the result of Baby Doll getting some damn good meds.

During some of the “fantasy” sequences of the film, I kept finding myself distracted by
the Tribble that decided to style-up a bit with some Murray’s Magnificent Pomade
before beginning the construction of its nest on her head. For those of you wondering
whatever happened to Karen Walker’s hairpiece after the cancellation of Will and Grace,
you can rest easy knowing that Beverly Leslie tore it from that bitch’s scalp while she
was scrambling for a rogue Tic-Tac that she mistook for a Percocet. It then found its
way onto Jena Malone’s dome after traversing the wormhole from Donnie Darko and
nearly being exorcised by Hilary Faye after a pit stop at American Eagle Christian High
School … and the rest is history. A new star is born. The Oscar for Best Supporting Hair
Accessory from Claire’s goes to…

Carla Gugino also starred in Sucker Punch as Vera Gorski. Most of you will probably
remember her as Sally Jupiter/Silk Spectre from Watchmen or Lucille from Sin City. Of
course, my memories of Carla take me right back to when she played Chica Barnfell in
Troop Beverly Hills. For those of you who need a memory jarring, Chica was the trick
whose parents always preferred the allure of jet setting to Monte Carlo or Caracas as
opposed to actually rearing their child. Chica has always held a special place in my heart
due to her surly demeanor and constant stank face as well as the fact that she showed up
to a troop meeting wearing an Equestrian uniform accessorized with a riding crop in one
hand and the fall fashion issue of Vogue in the other.

... the fuck happened to Melissa Auf der Maur's face?

Ever since Courtney Love announced that she was going to shriek out a new album under the Hole moniker with a bunch of people that AREN’T Hole, I have been spooning with my copy of Live Through This at night in hopes that the “true” band members get off their pink Huffy bikes, put aside their pissy-pants squabbles, and trash a stage together like during the golden-era of 90s music when alternative rock ruled the roost and the “M” in MTV actually made sense.

After years of praying at my makeshift Hole altar (consisting of soiled negligees, baby-doll barrettes, and a cracked tiara from Party City) my dreams of a Baby Jane Hudson look-a-like on coke being fingerbanged while crowd surfing were almost realized on Monday night at New York City’s MoMA.

Spin reports that the “classic” lineup of Hole came together for the premiere of Hit So Hard, the documentary film that chronicles the drug addiction of drummer Patty Schemel and her years with Hole. While the subject of the film is supposed to be Patty and her substance abuse, it also includes eerie footage of the late Kurt Cobain uttering "I'll never leave my girls." to Courtney and Frances Bean from behind the camera as well as his performing a never-heard duet with Love entitled "Stinking of You".

Unfortunately, while the foursome remained civil to each other at the event and even took to the stage together following the screening, there was no mention of an official reunion.

In the end, my overwhelming unease was not in response to the fact that Eric Erlandson still comes off as far too queer to have been frotting his Dirk Diggler peen (just assuming) on the angry beavers of Kristen Pfaff and Drew Barrymore throughout the 90s. Instead, I found myself cowering in terror behind Billy Corgan’s ego at the sight of the nightmare that has physically manifested itself where the face of Melissa Auf der Maur once resided. Between the horrifying brow-lift/Parralox combination and that ensemble, Melissa looks like one of the kidnapped mannequins from Prince & Company. Seriously though, had I not seen Courtney Love, gay Eric, and Carrie Fisher Patty Schemel, I NEVER would have known that this was the same Melissa that helped ward off those evil cardboard paparazzi.