YAY… another “The Mona Lisa is a tranny” theory!

As some of you may remember, last January, it was reported that some folks that dabble in science and history from Italy’s National Committee for Cultural Heritage, when not tripping their balls off, were trying to get the green light to dig up the remains of Leonardo da Vinci from his tomb in the Loire valley. Why? Well, they were convinced that The Mona Lisa was actually a self-portrait of the painter. Some other da Vinci experts shot that theory down (I’m assuming because there was no duct tape back in Renaissance Italy… an obvious contradiction to the aforementioned theory).

Don’t put your falsies down yet “ladies”. Silvano Vincenti, who chairs the Italian National Committee for Cultural Heritage, is offering yet another theory to hopefully squash those boring and dated beliefs that the woman in the painting is actually Lisa Gheradini, the wife of a merchant who supposedly commissioned the work from da Vinci.

The new argument is that the figure in the painting is based on da Vinci’s assistant at the time, Gian Giacomo Caprotti aka Salai (drag name?). Court documents from 1746, where Leonardo was charged and acquitted of sodomy, laid the groundwork for the presumption of his homosexuality. His relationship with Salai was said to be both passionate and loving (translation: there was some serious paintbrush dipping going on).

To sum things up, Vincenti was comparing the mugs of both The Mona Lisa and some of da Vinci’s other works, such as St. John the Baptist (which Salai posed for) and he says the facial structures of both subjects are too similar to ignore.

The mystery has been solved. Theologians can rest their weary heads and Dan Brown should be locked away for the blatant fallacies he was peddling in The da Vinci Code by not mentioning that The Mona Lisa DIDN’T have lady parts.

I wonder how long it will be before a da Vinci themed challenge will be seen on RuPaul’s Drag Race. I can see it now… “I’m sorry *insert pseudo-clever drag name here*, but you just didn’t give enough gender ambiguousness in your emulation of the Angel Incarnate and you must now lip synch for your life!”

Tom Hardy is the ‘Bane’ of my attempt at a pure and chaste lifestyle.

Just when I make the conscious decision to stop abusing myself betwixt the sheets on days ending in “y” (lies), that beefy dreamboat, Tom Hardy, shows up at LAX looking like THIS. Did you hear that noise? It was the collective grunt of every queer comic book geek in the world busting their nut in unison and leaving a stain in their shorts that coincidentally resembles the shape of the Bat Signal.

Unless you have been living in a cloud of “Purple Haze” for the past few months, you should be well aware, at this point, that Tom Hardy will be bringing the character of Bane to the big screen in Warner Bros.’ upcoming film, The Dark Knight Rises.

Since the whole point of the new Batman films is to provide a modern and realistic take on the whole franchise, I suggest we bring Bane’s costume up-to-date. Perhaps instead of that silly and dated mask that he is always wearing, we replace it with my jockstrap which he can wear like a surgical mask. That could work, right? Then, once we get to the scene where that big daddy breaks Batman’s back we can rewrite it so that some other form of abuse happens to Bruce Wayne’s back end. I hope you are writing these suggestions down Warner Bros… or Titan Media… it doesn’t really make a difference to me.

I have to admit, before seeing this photo and realizing that there may be a possibility that Tom Hardy is as big a comic book geek as I am, the only fantasy that I had about him involved him riding me like Seabiscuit while feeding me deep-fried mozzarella sticks. Now my fantasy involves him sitting in his tightie whities over a pile of properly bagged and boarded back issues of Gotham City Sirens… while still feeding me deep-fried mozzarella sticks. In comparison to the original fantasy, I suppose the new one comes off as rather tame. Perhaps Tom Hardy ISN’T the bane of my attempt at a pure and chaste lifestyle, after all (lies).

Glass is no gimp!

Alice Glass is a real trooper. One can no longer write her off as just the drunken frontwoman of electronic noisemakers, Crystal Castles, who has a penchant for physically assaulting her fans and crowd surfing like it's still 1994.

In January, Alice jacked up her ankle while in Tokyo for a gig at the Liquid Room. The details on how the injury came about are still unknown but I am sure a few too many sake bombs and a mishap while dancing on top of the drum set were involved.

On February 3rd, Crystal Castles were supposed to headline the kickoff of the Shockwaves NME Awards Tour. Instead of whining about her injury like a pop diva whom the Chelsea twinks jizz their Hollister panties over, bitch grabbed one of Jimmy Valmer's crutches, got up on stage, and tore that shit up.

According to NME, Alice still managed to hop around onstage like a coked-out demonic ferret during certain points of their set.

I currently have the pleasure of looking forward to seeing Crystal Castles at both New York City's Terminal 5 and Toronto's Sound Academy. I can only hope I am fortunate enough to see use her crutch as a weapon against some obnoxious underage poser in skinny jeans who reeks of ditch weed. Given that Alice is a bit fiesty during shows, she might as well take the opportunity to use her newfound accessory to its utmost potential.

Jenny Lewis likes 'em big... waves, that is.

The cutest indie rock couple to ever rub their naughty bits on eachother have just treated us to a new video from their debut record.

"Big Wave" is the latest single from I'm Happy Now, the first effort from Jenny Lewis and Johnathan Rice... or Jenny and Johnny, as they are known on the street. The video is directed by photographer Autumn de Wilde and features the lovebirds embarking on a roadtrip in their vintage station wagon while snuggling, blowing kisses at eachother, and other stomach-churning affections of desire. But, there's also a serpent and scenes of gore dripping down a ho's back. I guess that properly cancels out the hipster Hallmark aspect of the video.

Jenny Lewis is probably best known as the frontwoman for Rilo Kiley. Her album with the Watson Twins, Rabbit Fur Coat is still in heavy rotation in my iPod as well.

In all honesty, Jenny Lewis will always be fondly remembered, by me, as that trick from The Golden Girls who kidnapped Rose Nylund's teddy bear, Fernando, at gunpoint. Rose eventually one-upped that bitch at the end of the episode. I also get all nostalgic when I remember Jenny as Hannah Nefler, selling her cookies on Rodeo Drive in the Oscar-snubbed gem, Troop Beverly Hills. My girl has come so far.

Spin has the video for "Big Wave" here.