Tom Hardy is the ‘Bane’ of my attempt at a pure and chaste lifestyle.

Just when I make the conscious decision to stop abusing myself betwixt the sheets on days ending in “y” (lies), that beefy dreamboat, Tom Hardy, shows up at LAX looking like THIS. Did you hear that noise? It was the collective grunt of every queer comic book geek in the world busting their nut in unison and leaving a stain in their shorts that coincidentally resembles the shape of the Bat Signal.

Unless you have been living in a cloud of “Purple Haze” for the past few months, you should be well aware, at this point, that Tom Hardy will be bringing the character of Bane to the big screen in Warner Bros.’ upcoming film, The Dark Knight Rises.

Since the whole point of the new Batman films is to provide a modern and realistic take on the whole franchise, I suggest we bring Bane’s costume up-to-date. Perhaps instead of that silly and dated mask that he is always wearing, we replace it with my jockstrap which he can wear like a surgical mask. That could work, right? Then, once we get to the scene where that big daddy breaks Batman’s back we can rewrite it so that some other form of abuse happens to Bruce Wayne’s back end. I hope you are writing these suggestions down Warner Bros… or Titan Media… it doesn’t really make a difference to me.

I have to admit, before seeing this photo and realizing that there may be a possibility that Tom Hardy is as big a comic book geek as I am, the only fantasy that I had about him involved him riding me like Seabiscuit while feeding me deep-fried mozzarella sticks. Now my fantasy involves him sitting in his tightie whities over a pile of properly bagged and boarded back issues of Gotham City Sirens… while still feeding me deep-fried mozzarella sticks. In comparison to the original fantasy, I suppose the new one comes off as rather tame. Perhaps Tom Hardy ISN’T the bane of my attempt at a pure and chaste lifestyle, after all (lies).